


if i killed (someone) for you

by balenciagakeigo (lovealarm)



Category: JO1, Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: M/M, angel junki, mortal keigo, tear jerker i guess????
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22359985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovealarm/pseuds/balenciagakeigo
Summary: keigo’s a mortal, but his soul is tainted to the point of being on the verge of a devil. he has no god and no faith——until junki.because if angels existed, then so did gods.
Relationships: Kono Junki/Sato Keigo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	if i killed (someone) for you

**Author's Note:**

> based on alec benjamin’s song of the same name!! there’s also this rlly cool animatic of it too so u can check it out ^^

the air in his lungs trap him in an eternal vortex. he’s spiraling down to the depths of hell straight into the acheron. the current isn’t strong, but he’s still drowning—the weight of his soul dragging him even deeper. he doesn’t struggle; he has already come to terms with what he’s done. the thorns pricking deep into his ribcage—suffocating him—is enough retribution for his sins.

_“if only…”_

the wails of the dead distract him from his thoughts. they flail, struggling to keep afloat and hang onto life. but he’s not like them. he doesn’t bother for _life_ , that was never of any importance. it never mattered—then or now—to him. life was just survival, and he had grown sick of trying.

the sole reason he managed to stay sane was the grace between then and now.

_junki._

in his world of kill or be killed, life is as fleeting as a moment. life simply meant burden, a baggage tying you down to this sick and rancorous hell. the only escape he had was running. the breeze hitting your face as his steps accelerate was like a sedative for him. it was the only moment he felt free, no longer a rat gnawing its way out of a trap.

however, he found a safe haven in junki. he was more effective than running—more than the adrenaline rush through his veins that acted as a sedative. maybe it was due to the difference of their backgrounds. junki was _loved_ , and for a moment keigo wondered how it felt, only for his demons to claw out of the darkness and remind him.

_“you’re not worthy of being loved.”_

this, he knew all too well. love was a privilege; a luxury that he couldn’t afford no matter how much money he makes. but when junki brushed his bangs away from his face and smiled at him, keigo suddenly believed in heaven—because if angels exist, then so do gods.

perhaps this was god’s mercy, or divine punishment. keigo could never distinguish between love and pain anyway, not since he sold his soul to the devil.

to love only brings pain.

to be loved only inflicts pain.

————

keigo woke up breathing heavily, face wet with tears and bed drenched in sweat. he doesn’t know how many times he had that dream. if he could just fall into his dreams and decide not to wake up.

how easy it is for amnesiacs. living in a dream-like stance, alive yet dead all the same. keigo feels that way too, just with all of the memories. because these memories are the ones that make him suffer; the ones that keep him alive.

however, what good are these memories when the person in them is already gone? there’s no longer a person beside keigo that would keep the nightmares away. what remains is a big space in his bed which has already molded to junki’s shape, and a vacancy in his heart that no one can fill again.

_“i love you.” keigo never thought himself to be worthy; nevertheless he responds with the exact same fervor._

_“i love you more. more than you’ll ever know and ever realize.” junki’s eyes widen, then slips into a sweet smile—thumbing keigo’s hands that are far much bigger than his, but a perfect fit all the same._

_junki rests his head on keigo’s shoulders, and intertwines their fingers together. “i know.”_

————

angels and devils were never meant to interact. the reasoning of this lies in the fear of the darkness tainting the light. afterall, it’s been tested and proven by god’s most trusted, that it is easier to turn bad than good.

_“because even lucifer was once an angel. an archangel at that. imagine keigo! he was already so close to god yet he chose to abandon it… it couldn’t be me.” junki whines like a small child, cheeks puffing up in anger. keigo knew this story, a story of deception and betrayal, and somehow he could see lucifer’s side more than junki’s._

_“why should you be contented with being somebody’s right hand man?” keigo shrugs his shoulders with indifference—god or not, he doesn’t want to be below **anybody**. the thought of someone having power over him disgusts—maybe even scares—the blond._

_he hears a sigh from the man beside him, and he’s almost ready to receive another sermon and a smack to the head until junki holds his hand. he lazily traces the curves of his palm, and stares at keigo’s eyes with sincerity that he’s never witnessed before._

_“it’s okay you know. it’s okay.”_

_junki flashes keigo a smile, and he’s reminded that this person knows more than he could ever fathom._

_keigo finds out the meaning behind his words a little too late._

this was a rule that junki ignored in order to descend to earth and save keigo’s soul—so dark that one would wonder if it really belongs to a mortal. nevertheless, junki found merit in keigo’s being; a chance that no one has ever bestowed keigo in all of his twenty-one years of living.

between shifting from one orphanage to another and being constantly abandoned and stabbed in the back by ones that he held dear, keigo had no space in his heart to try and give a fuck about mythical beings that live billions of miles above of him.

_“god?” keigo asks incredulously. he stifles back a snicker, and takes a glance at the faded scars left on the back of his hands. he raises his head, a steely stare contradicting the warm gaze directed at him._

_“if there was a god i wouldn’t have been forced to kill for a living. if there was a god i wouldn't have had to be an orphan; my parents would have wanted me and we would live a happy life. if there was a god…” he suppressed the tears threatening to fall. he has long accepted his reality, society has rubbed it in his face from the very beginning that he wasn’t **normal** , and that he **will never be.**_

_back then, keigo used to think if being “ **cursed** ” was written in his face, then he found out that his life had become his scarlet letter._

**Author's Note:**

> twt: princekeigos
> 
> leave me a kudos if u enjoyed the story! id also love to know ur thoughts abt it


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